Psalm 71:20-21

Psalm 71: 20-21

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me more"

This has been a pretty difficult summer in our marriage. A time that has crippled our hearts with wounds from others and from within; and a time that has increased our ministry and intimacy as a married couple. We have clung to God and to each other in these sadder times, and we have healed tremendously through God's grace.

One of the hard times came in August. It was the moment I was sitting in the doctor's office, before even viewing the screen that would show a picture of the inside of my womb. I knew deep within my heart that I had already lost the little life that was inside me. I longed to be wrong, but something felt weird; others lovingly tried to convince me that it was only because I had never been pregnant before. Even writing this moves my heart and brings some tears to my eyes. What difficult times we had. I sat on the exam table, wearing a blue smock, sending a half-hearted smile to my husband that said, "we'll see.." My heart was beating fast and building up to the moment when time suddenly slowed down. It seemed as if a fog had entered the hospital room and I could vaguely see the look of concern on the doctor's face. My sad dreams had come true, and seeing my husband's tears made me realize something else. He had lost too. We had lost something together. We had both been excited and both had dreamed together, and now we had lost something precious to us. Something that meant more to us then anything we had, and something that filled us with such excitement, joy, fear of the unknown, and peace for over 10 weeks. The doctor did what she could to comfort, but I could not fight off the rather large river of tears that came gushing forth. On top of my sadness I felt sorry for her. Doctors do wonderful things with God's help, but I'm sure this was the least favorite part of her job. She informed me that I had had a missed miscarriage, which meant that I still needed to miscarry. She called when she was at home just to check in. To backtrack a little we found out that she was the mother of one of Mark's guitar students, but none of us realized it until the day after our appointment. The actual miscarriage was very painful, and the medicine they prescribed did not ease the pain. I am so thankful for Sutter's ER staff that night, and their sense of humor when I asked if every room had a special coat rack like mine, turns out, it was to for IV's not coats.

God has been so good despite these painful circumstances. I can't explain the joy that my heart has felt these past 2 weeks. We have been overwhelmed with love and support from so many wonderful people. Even yesterday, I had taken the little girl I watch to gymnastics. One of the moms there knew who I was from my other job. This wonderful lady approached me, hugged me, and told me about how she had lost her pregnancy too. I really can't express how touched we have felt by all this love. One dear friend told me that a loss like this also enlarges a person's territory for ministry and I have felt that to be true. Since the loss I have had felt a deeper passion grow for my work with children. I currently work as a one-on-one special needs aide for a little boy, and my heart for this little guy has increased tremendously. God has blessed us so much in so little time in our workplace, with our friends, and through our church family. I have known loss throughout my life, but never before have I seen such comfort and blessing so immediate. The best part of it all is the closer bond I have with my sweet husband. He has been such a dear friend and love to me. Every morning I pray that I can learn to be as much of a blessing to him as he is to me. Thanks again for all who have loved on us and have been a part of our lives. We really appreciate and love you.