Breathing Out

It feels like I've been holding my breath for awhile, and I sort of have been in a way. I haven't blogged since February so here is a big update. We decided to move back to Marin for awhile in late March. Originally we had considered this to be a time to save so that Mark could go back to graduate school in the Fall. After moving, we both weren't exactly sure if Mark was headed for school right away or ever. He's a gifted teacher but he's also gifted in so many areas so we wanted to wait, pray, and see what happend. We felt like we needed to be here in Marin but we weren't exactly sure of the reason yet. Then I started applying for credential programs since being a teacher, particularly a special education teacher, is one of my long term goals. Everything looked great. I really thought that this was potentially a door we were going to go through. In the midst of turning in my application my mom started calling me more and more. I started to see her every other week or so in San Francisco and talk to her on the phone almost every other day. Tough things kept happening to her. I felt like she could never get a break. I will never forget one of our best conversations on one visit I had with her. I picked her up near her friends place and I drove her to a more peaceful/beautiful area of the city. She told me that she hadn't seen an area like this in a while. I was hoping to finally break through and show her that she could be free from her current life but I could feel that she wasn't ready. She talked a lot about how angry she was at her last boyfriend. I'd try to change the subject and tell her that she could get out of this area, start new. I told her that it would be difficult, but I would be there. I'll never forget those sad eyes. She told me that as a kid she never had a permanent place to stay and that she wanted Josh and I to have that when we were kids. I honestly told her that all we wanted was two healthy parents. For the first time she cried and said that Josh and I would be fine but that she would never forgive herself for what she had done. I told her how much we forgave her, love her, and that all we want is for her to be healthy, happy, and whole. I told her that she had so many wonderful qualities and that if she got the help she needed she could help so many others who are in situations like hers. She said she knew that and she wanted that, but she could never catch a break. She did some research and tried to get into a program but I didn't realize how much her depression could immobilize her. She called me after waiting in line at one place, she laughed and told me that a bird actually pooped on her before going in to a potential interview. She thought it was for good luck. The person inside said that she was there on the wrong day and would have to come again later. She tried out another place and tripped on the street and got a concussion. A friend took her to the ER for stitches. She also went to the library because there was a woman there who helped find housing for the homeless. When my mom approached her for help the woman said that she had to be the one to find my mom, not the other way around. After she passed on April 24th, we were given her wallet and a few things from the medical examiners office. I saw all the places she wrote down to try to get help. I also saw that she rode public transportation without a pass and got a ticket for $103, money that she didn't have. She kept hitting walls and I felt so frustrated for her.
I've made my peace with her passing. I got a call from her friend Lisa who got my mom's phone from a guy who had picked it up. Lisa always calls me baby girl, and I don't mind. Even though I've only met her once, and fairly recently, she kind of considers herself an aunt of mine. She's sweet and reminds me a lot of my mom in her looks and her personality. They called each other "sissy" when I visited. Since the medical examiner's office and the police report wouldn't really tell us what happened until the autopsy was finalized in 10 weeks, Lisa decided to find my number and tell me how my mom took her own life. She felt responsible since they always looked out for each other. I told her how grateful I was that my mom had a friend like her so close and not to blame herself. I also wanted to make sure that she was taking care of herself since her dear friend was gone. I've checked in with her a couple of times since.
While in the midst of all this I was unsure about what my life would be like. I had waited 20 years for her to be free, and while she was now free it wasn't how I wanted things to end for her and I missed her. I missed the way we would joke and laugh. I always loved how similar we were. We had the same sense of humor, and she loved to remind me of that. I missed being able to call her on the phone and I listened to old messages and read texts that were only a couple weeks old. After finding out how she passed my stomach was in knots. I didn't feel like eating anything. I'd take two bites and be full. I thought it was my body having it's own time of grief. A dear friend told me I should probably take a pregnancy test even though I reassured her that I was definitely not pregnant. I was wrong.

My very first thought was, "seriously God? Right now is a good time to have a baby?" Right after that thought though, I felt a lot of peace. I remember thinking that I could handle whatever comes my way with God's help. Whether it be a joyous thing like new life or the hardest thing like losing my mother. I remember thinking that even if this baby doesn't make it, that God has been right here with me through everything and he is continuing to be there. If you can't tell by this photo, Mark is VERY excited, Owen has no clue.
I'm going to miss my mom every day but I keep thinking how beautiful she must look now, she's finally free from so much. What would it look like to have all the cares of the world lifted off your shoulders? I can't wait to see her again someday. Here's one of my favorite photos of her and my dad in their early days. I love seeing the joy on their faces. I love you mom. You were always the most beautiful woman in the world to me, inside and out. I'll miss you so, but I know you must feel truly radiant now. I hope you're the one who meets me at the gate.