The Truth About Motherhood

I love being Owen's mommy. It is the best thing that's ever happen to me. It's also the most scary and terrifying thing that's ever happened. I remember saying "I can't do this" before pushing him out. Everyone thought I was talking about the act of pushing him out and reassured me that I was "quite capable" but in the heat of that moment only I knew I was talking about motherhood. This little being was about to enter the world and would take part of my heart with him. I was practically balling in the hospital when the nurse did the typical heel prick blood test and Owen would whimper. I kept thinking, motherhood is NOT for wimps.

I had a chat with my mom the other night. I shared with her some of my struggles with motherhood and she shared some of hers. We talked about the women on her side of the family and it made me understand more of where my fiery side comes from. My Grandma Jean used to say "Don't get your Irish up" whenever my mom would get worked up about something. It's amazing how similar we are and yet how her choices have separated us. I felt my boundaries raise up when she stated that she wants to come visit and stay a couple nights. My mother coming to stay isn't exactly what the normal mother visit should be but I know she means well and its a dream that both of us wish were possible. It makes sense why motherhood is a little more than confusing and scary at times for me. She left when I was four and when I try to remember the fun times we had all I can remember is playing by myself while she slept most of the day because of the drugs. Having Owen has brought up those deeper memories. I want so badly to be the perfect mother, to calm every cry and make him the happiest baby. Most importantly to never abandon him or fail him in any way. I am beginning to see where a lot of my worries are stemming from. Having a baby is such an overwhelming experience and I am learning that sometimes I can't calm every cry right away, and I won't be able to keep him from getting hurt. AND I will most definitely disappoint him because I am human.

Motherhood is a very vulnerable lifelong occupation. I don't exactly like the feeling of vulnerability sometimes. It helps to be in relationship with people that you trust. I am so grateful for my community here in Davis. I have received so much love, support, and prayer. There are plenty of new parents groups in the church and in town that I am looking forward to being a part of. I am especially thankful for my sweet husband. Mark knows exactly how to calm me down when I stress out about EVERYTHING. The poor guy had to hear me go over all the times I fed him and how long he napped and all my questions including "do you think he's okay?!" Mark is what I would call the "perfect daddy". I am so SO glad that he is my partner as we navigate life together. When I look at my almost 13 pounder and see how happy he is I can relax and know that I'm doing the best that I can and he is more than thriving.